The Confession Bet
by Ms. Blueberry Muffin
Summary: Does Ichigo know how to flirt? Not yaoi.
1. Chapter 1

**This was just a random, pointless thought I came up with not too long ago... and because it's summer, I decided to actually write it. Send me flames if it really sucks haha.**

_**Disclaimer: Bleach is not mine. Bleach is Tite Kubo's.**_

* * *

"Ichigo! Kurosaki Ichigo!"

At the sound of his name, Ichigo turned to see Lieutenant Iba running at him, someone he definitely did not expect to see calling out his name for the whole Seireitei to hear.

"Uh, what is it?"

Stopping to catch his breath, Iba placed a firm hand on Ichigo's shoulder. The shinigami-daikou raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

"Kurosaki... _huff_... I ran... all the way from Kuchiki's mansion... _huff_... to tell you this,"

"What the heck were you doing in Byakuya's house?"

"That's unimportant... but I overheard... the Shinigami Women's Association talking about you," He stood up straight, having finally caught his breath after running the five hundred feet from the nearby Kuchiki mansion.

"I don't even know what that is," Ichigo deadpanned.

"Ichigo, you butt. This is big stuff!" Ikkaku jumped down from a nearby tree and landed in front of Ichigo, startling the teen. "That meeting is full of a bunch of high-ranking female shinigami. And for some reason, they were talking about _you_,"

Ichigo felt uncomfortable. He scratched the back of his neck. "So what?"

"So wh-?" Iba made a frustrated noise and clenched his fists, staring straight at the sun with his legs spread far apart. The odd position seemed to calm him down. "They never talk about us! Well, they do, but only to make fun of us!"

"We need to talk to you, Ichigo," Ikkaku said seriously.

Ichigo just wanted to leave. So he did.

"Hey! Where are you going?!"

Ichigo waved good-bye without turning around.

Ikkaku turned to Iba. "Great, I told you he wouldn't care. Ichigo's gay or something,"

Iba shook his head, placing a hand on his chin in thought. "Ikkaku, time for plan B,"

The third seat grinned maliciously. He'd been waiting for that order.

* * *

Ichigo whistled as he walked through the streets of Seireitei. He didn't really know where he was going, but he didn't really care. He noticed that the place was quieter than usual... In fact, it was too weird.

He looked to the left and nearly jumped out of his skin. "Crap. How'd I get in the eleventh division?" He turned to shunpo out of the dangerous territory, but stopped when he heard a familar voice.

_"TARGET LOCKED! PREPARE TO FIRE!"_

Suddenly, a chorus of manly "_Bakudo Number 9: Geki_" 's filled the area, and Ichigo was suddenly bathed in red light. He fell to the ground, paralyzed.

Because of his position, Ichigo could only see the feet of his attackers, and that wasn't enough to tell them apart because everyone's feet looks the same when everyone wears socks and sandals.

"Oi! What's wrong with you guys? Can't I come to the Soul Society without getting psychologically damaged?!"

Ikkaku spoke. "Those are some big words, Ichigo. You're smarter than I thought,"

"Which words are you referring to?!"

"Bag him,"

Ichigo protested the whole time the men stuffed him in a body bag. He felt himself being hoisted into the air as they carried him. Thoughout the whole trip, Ichigo tried to break free of the bakudo spell, but it was difficult in the small space.

Finally, the bag was unzipped and he was dumped onto the ground. Immediately, Ichigo broke free of the paralyzing spell with a burst of his strong reiryoku. He turned to the men. "WHAT WERE YOU GUYS DOING?"

"Man, that reiatsu-sealing bag from Kurotsuchi-taicho came in handy. Nobody even looked at us twice,"

"Yeah, imagine what they'd think,"

"Eh, probably only Zaraki would care if we were carting Kurosaki off somewhere,"

Ichigo watched them, fuming that he was being ignored. "Hey!" The shinigami turned to him, and Ichigo finally got a good glimpse at their outfits. "Hey, what's up with the weird getups?"

"Aww, I told you these were lame," Omaeda complained to Iba.

"Shut up! As president, I say these outfits are great!"

"And as VP, I agree," Iemura added, but no one pays him any attention.

Ichigo crossed his arms. "President of what?"

Suddenly, all the men got in some weird formation and shouted in what they thought was unison, "The Shinigami Men's Association!"

Ichigo sweat-dropped. "Well, bye," He turned to leave.

All the men grabbed Ichigo and before he knew it, he was duct-taped to a chair. "What the-?!"

Hisagi swung the roll around his finger. "Kurotsuchi's reiryoku-sealing duct tape. It came in handy after all,"

"You said the same thing about the body bag," Kira said solemnly.

Ichigo sighed. "Why would he make that?"

Hisagi blinked. "We don't know and we don't want to know. The point is, it came in handy,"

"Stop saying 'handy'," Ikkaku said.

"Why?"

"You sound like a teenage girl when you say it,"

"Who's says you can't be a man and say something like 'handy'?"

"Guys, guys," Iba broke in. "Give me the tape,"

Kira obeyed and handed Iba a VCR tape, which Iba stuck in the machine.

"What, no DVD?" Ichigo mocked.

"We have a low budget. It's a touchy subject," Iba pressed play on the remote.

The screen was black, but Ichigo could still tell the the camera was shaking. A LOT. He could hear hushed voices in the background. "Dude, who filmed?"

Everyone stared at Hisagi. He blushed. "Rangiku was like, in the room, okay?" Everyone continued staring at Hisagi.

Rangiku was talking. "So what you're saying is, whoever wins the bet gets this giant cookie?" She sounded cheerful.

"Yes," Nanao said.

"I'm in!" Rangiku giggled. "And I vote on Orihime!"

Suddenly, all sorts of voices filled the room. There was so much chaos, that Ichigo couldn't really tell what they were saying.

After a minute or so, Nanao's voice cut into the crowd. "Okay, okay, ladies, please," The recording got quiet, except for Hisagi's obnoxiously ragged breathing. "I have a list of the candidates, in no particular order: Rangiku-"

"YES!" She cried, causing Nanao to stop. Despite the dark video, the men could practically feel the evil stare that the lieutenant of the eighth division gave the strawberry-blonde. Clearing her throat, she continued. "- Unohana-taicho, Kuchiki- actually, both of them- Yoruichi, Abarai, Head captain Yamamoto, Soi Fon-"

"WHAT?" Soi Fon's raging voice filled the air, and they all heard a chair crash to the ground.

"Now, Soi Fon, it's just a list.. for now," Yoruichi reprimanded.

"Ye- yes, Yoruichi-sama," The chair was picked up, and Nanao resumed.

"Hopefully, I can finish this without further interruptions- Orihime, Ishida, Hirako-taicho, the Soul King, Momo, Hiyori, Hisagi, and Zaraki-taicho,"

"Eh... Zaraki-taicho?"

Yachiru spoke up. "I think Ken-chan and Ichigo would make a great-"

"I had to respect all votes," Nanao interrupted. "Now, there were other votes, but I didn't include them because they are just physically impossible: Ulquiorra, Nel, Aizen, Ichigo's little sister Yuzu, Ichigo's mom, and Senna,"

"Who's Senna?" Yoruichi asked.

"I don't know, some uncanon filler-girl," Nanao said.

"Wait," Rangiku started. "How is Aizen physically impossible?"

"Kurosaki has no way to come into contact with Aizen due to his current imprisonment,"

"Wait, then why is the Soul King an eligible candidate?"

"So, now that everyone has voted, it's time to see how this play's out," Nanao said, avoiding the question. "And whoever Kurosaki admits his feelings to first, that will determine who gets the big cookie- it will go to those that voted for that person. Does everyone understand?"

Because of the following silence, it could only be assumed that the women all nodded in agreement.

"Good," Nanao said. Her tone became more ominous and quiet. "Just remember: _no one_, and I mean _no one_ can find out about this. It could ruin the whole bet,"

And with that, the tape ended.

Ichigo blinked. "So, what happened after that?"

Hisagi pulled the tape out. "I stayed hidden in my box until about half and hour ago, right before we kidnapped you,"

"Cool,"

"So, Kurosaki, we, the Shinigami Men's Association have devised a plan," Iba stated with gusto, walking back and forth in front of Ichigo with his hands behind his back. "We are going to help you with this bet,"

Ichigo tried to cross his arms, but then he remembered they were duct-taped to his sides. "Why would I want to do that?"

"Because... It's fun,"

"Maybe to you. Besides, I didn't come here to confess anything,"

"Oh yeah?" Omaeda asked. "Then why did you come here?"

Ichigo shrugged.

"Here's our plan, Kurosaki- can I call you Ichigo?"

"No,"

"Here's our plan, Ichigo," Iba continued. "You mess with the bet. You act like you _might_ confess to all the candidates... but you _don't_,"

"This is sounding stupider and stupider with every word that comes out of your mouth,"

"Just hear me out. You do that... and then after you've made everyone frantic, wanting to change their votes- amidst all the chaos, you will confess... to yourself,"

Ichigo sweat-dropped. "What?"

Iba gave him the thumbs up, grinning. "Then you get the big cookie! And we can all share it since we're helping you throughout this whole operation."

Ichigo thought about it. "Just how big is this cookie?"

Kira said in his depressing voice, "It's so big, Hitsugaya could sleep on it,"

"Well, it can't be _that_ big then," Ichigo said. "Why can't you just steal it?"

All the men shook their heads. Hisagi answered. "Man, those ladies are watching that thing like it's their own offspring,"

As tough as Ichigo may seem, he had a soft spot for sugary things. He wanted to say no to the dumb bet, but the image of a giant cookie kept overpowering his mind. Narrowing his eyes, he muttered, "Fine,"

The Shinigami Men's Association cheered.

Iba held out a pair of dark sunglasses identical to the others in the room. "Okay, to be a part of this club, you have to wear these super cool shades whenever we have a meeting- including now,"

Ichigo eyed them warily.

"Oi, Ichigo, don't be like that," Ikkaku grinned. "I just joined when I found out about the cookie- and see how much fun I'm having!"

"I really don't want to do this... but if it means I get the big cookie... then..." Ichigo gave in to temptation. "Hand it over,"

Iba carefully placed the sunglasses on Ichigo, then stepped back to admire the new club member. He shed a tear of joy. "I'm so proud of you, Ichigo. You look just like I did back in the day,"

"Che," Ikkaku muttered. "Liar,"

"SHUT UP! YOU'RE RUINING THE MOMENT, IKKAKU,"

"So, Kurosaki," Hisagi said, holding a notepad. "We made a list of the order you should go in for confessions,"

"Wait, I thought he wasn't confessing," Omaeda said.

"He isn't,"

"You just said he was,"

"I don't know how you're interpreting what I'm saying, but save the comments for later, man," Hisagi looked back at his list. "So, as I was saying, we made a list of the order of people you should confess to-"

"There you go again. He's not actually confessing,"

"Omaeda! Go kiss your mom or something,"

Omaeda shrunk back. Iba started patting his shoulder. "There, there. You're mother is a beautiful person. She looks just like you,"

Kira stared at Hisagi. "That was uncalled for, Hisagi. After all, he was right- you said that Kurosaki would confess," Kira pointed it out on the notepad.

"Ohh..."

Ichigo broke. "Would you guys just get on with it?!"

"Right," Hisagi said. "We made a list of the people, in order, that you will _not_ confess to-"

"Yada, yada. Get on with it," Ichigo said, annoyed. "Who's the first person?"

All the men exchanged mischievous glances, and suddenly Ichigo didn't think the cookie was worth it.

"_Byakuya_,"

* * *

**Review please! Tell me what you thought!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Haha! I didn't expect anyone to read this! But for those of you who did and decided it was worth their time... thank you :) I'll try not to disappoint.**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, that belongs to the king of trolls himself, Tite Kubo.**_

* * *

"Do I really have to do this?" Ichigo asked for the ninth time since they first told him that Byakuya was his first victim.

All the men were dressed up in their specialized shihakushos, complete with small dark shades. Currently, the Shinigami Men's Association was huddled behind some thick bushes outside the Kuchiki mansion, intensely watching the captain of sixth division as he roamed around his garden.

"Are you telling me you're a chicken?" Ikkaku accused.

Ichigo lost his cool. "FINE. What exactly am I supposed to do?"

"Just, remember the plan we told you earlier. It'll be enough to get the SWA's attention," Hisagi said.

Ichigo sweat-dropped. He hadn't really thought about the fact that the female shinigami would be stalking him. He was about to make a run for it and forfeit the prize, but Iba, Ikkaku, and Omaeda suddenly pushed him forward into broad daylight.

"Don't forget to smile! They'll be taking plenty of pictures!" Hisagi whisper-yelled.

There was no turning back now. Ichigo just hoped Byakuya wouldn't call the guards before he could get this over with.

"B... Byakuya!"

The nobleman seemingly froze in his walk. "What is it, Kurosaki," He didn't turn around, but Ichigo could see him casually reach towards his zanpakuto.

He took a deep breath, trying to keep a smile, but it was really painful in this situation. "W... would you, uhm... li- like to... spend some... time... together... later...?" Beads of sweat appeared on his forehead with every word. He felt completely humiliated, cursing his love of big cookies.

Byakuya slowly turned, an eyebrow raised. "I'm concerned for you,"

"If you don't want to, just say so,"

The older man seemed to consider his options. The next few minutes were awkward, with Byakuya looking at the ground deep in thought while Ichigo tried to look at everything _but _the man he was allegedly asking out. He tried to contain his blush, which the women had probably intensely photographed.

"I suppose I could spare a few minutes," He cooly replied.

Ichigo had to restrain himself from slapping himself in the face, so he did it mentally, quite hard. He hated Hisagi, because his retarded plan was going _horribly wrong. _"Are you sure? Because you _really_ don't have to-"

"Kurosaki, I've made up my mind. Where is it you would like to go?"

The orange-haired shinigami looked around, flushing a color more vibrant than his hair. "Um... how about...there," He pointed to a nearby cherry blossom tree.

Byakuya gave Ichigo a heavy look, like _What is wrong with this boy._

The two sat by the tree in an extremely awkward silence. Finally, after a moment, Byakuya said with no feeling at all, "This is nice,"

Ichigo shifted. "Uh, yeah... I guess it is," Lie.

More awkward silence followed. Ichigo decided to break it. He was never good at small talk, but Byakuya was probably the worst person to practice on. "So, umm. What do you like to do for fun?"

"Fun? I don't have time for fun, unlike you,"

"What,"

Byakuya sat back in the shade, staring at the clouds. "But I suppose," He started, and Ichigo could tell this would be a long, pointless story. "I do quite enjoy resting underneath the sakura trees in my garden, along with the company of a deep romance novel and a good cup of tea. Never jasmine tea, but something sweeter..."

A half hour later, after rambling for quite some time about the pleasures of life, Byakuya stood, still staring at the sky, but now looking completely relaxed. "Thank you, Kurosaki Ichigo. This talk has actually been quite refreshing. I've been needing to get a few things off my chest. Good-b-" He turned and saw that Ichigo was fast asleep, even drooling slightly.

"I've just humiliated myself, haven't I?"

Suddenly, Senbonzakura was unsheathed and the thousand cherry blossoms were directed towards some bushes in the distance. Screams were heard, and suddenly, a group of dark figures dispersed in a series of flash steps.

The sound of destruction woke Ichigo. He stretched and wiped his mouth. "Well, it was fun, Byakuya," He yawned, standing. "See yah,"

Byakuya watched the orange-haired young man walk away, whistling.

_What exactly... just happened...?_

* * *

"Man, that was terrible. And by terrible, I mean boring and embarrassing,"

"Yeah, and we got everything on tape," Hisagi gave Ichigo the thumbs up.

Kira stepped in with his solemn voice. "Until the camera was destroyed by Kuchiki-taicho,"

"Oh yeah..."

Ichigo crossed his arms. "This cookie better be good,"

Hisagi nodded. "Oh, trust us, it is. It was made by Sasakibe. We've heard rumors that he's secretly a gourmet chef for the head captain, and he gave this cookie to the SWA as a present. He'd never give us a big cookie,"

"Wow, what did I get myself into,"

"Nevertheless, you're performance was splendid, Ichigo, my apprentice," Iba said, putting an arm around Ichigo proudly. "If you keep that up, you'll make the SWA go crazy!"

"Isn't that a bad thing? I mean, they could totally start suspecting you guys and then you'll just have a bunch of angry women on your case," He deadpanned.

The president ignored Ichigo. "So, next on our list... Shuuhei! Where's the list?!"

Hisagi pulled it out of his modified Shihakusho. "Uh... let's see... OH," The men crowded around the clipboard, giggling.

Ichigo groaned.

"Alright, Ichigo, next is..."

Suddenly, the door burst open. Sunlight flooded into the dark room, and half the men hissed and cowered from the bright light.

"Alright, I know something's up, and I want to friggin know what it is,"

Ichigo squinted, shielding his eyes from the sunlight. "Uh... Hirako?"

The blonde grinned his tooth-filled smile. "What's up, Ichigo?"

Ichigo opened his mouth to tell him what was going on, but he quickly realized what he was about to say. "Uhm... nooothiing..." He said uncomfortably.

"Liar," Shinji flipped his crooked bangs and shut the door; a sigh of relief filled the room, and a few of the SMA creeped out from the shadows.

The captain of fifth division observed the room, taking everything in, from the initiation candles to the strange men and even stranger outfits. He stopped on Ichigo's devastated and awkward expression. "Okay, now I'm really curious,"

"What, can men not gather together in dark room like this? This is a free country," Iba said.

"This isn't a country, this is the afterlife. Now tell me or I tell the Head captain,"

There was a collective gasp. "Blackmail..." someone muttered.

"OH," Hisagi suddenly sat up straight, staring at Shinji intensely. His mouth was in the shape of an 'o' as he stared from the captain to Ikkaku, back and forth. After a moment, Ikkaku seemed to understand, and he too, looked from Shinji to another member of the SMA. Soon enough, everyone except Ichigo and Kira (for different reasons of course) were glancing around like idiots, pointing to Shinji over and over again.

"Am I important?" Shinji asked Ichigo.

"Don't ask me. I'm new,"

"This is perfect!" Hisagi said gleefully, grabbing Ichigo's wrist and pulling him away. "Hirako-taicho, you just stay right there- we have some business with our dear shinigami-daikou real quick,"

Shinji stared at them, but stayed put. Kira kept him company.

* * *

In a dark corner, Hisagi grabbed Ichigo's shoulders, and suddenly three faces were inches away from Ichigo's own. "Dude, he's next on our list. This is perfect,"

Ichigo glanced at Shinji, who stuck a finger in his ear, looking bored. "Please. No,"

"Yes yes yes! Now- here's what we want you to do," Iba whispered the plan to Ichigo. "Got it?"

"You spit all over my face-"

"GO GET 'EM!" The president shoved Ichigo into the light, straight into Hirako. The force of the shove, plus Shinji's light build, made it quite easy for Ichigo to knock him to the ground. To his dismay though, the falling captain made Ichigo lose his own balance, and he crashed to the ground as well.

"Flip, Ichigo," He grumbled. "Watch where you're going,"

Ichigo didn't reply. He tried to lay completely still on the ground.

"Oi, what's you're problem?"

"..."

"Ichigo?"

Shinji flipped Ichigo over onto his back. The boy still remained silent and as lifeless as he possibly could, all the time thinking how stupid Iba's plan was. In fact, the plan for Byakuya seemed _good _when compared to this one.

"Oh my," Iba said, walking over to Ichigo and Shinji with his hands on his cheeks. "I think he's unconscious. Time to perform CPR,"

"What?"

"It's something they do in the world of the living when someone is unconscious. You give their chest a few pumps, then plug their nose and blow air into their mouth! None of us know how to do it, but since you're a captain, you're the most capable for trying!"

Shinji looked from Iba to Ichigo. After a moment, he stood up and, to everyone's surprise, he stomped his foot down on Ichigo's stomach.

"Ooof,"He said, rolling over in a ball, wheezing.

"There. He's all better,"

The SMA gaped at the fifth division's captain. "Bu... bu..."

"Do you think I'm stupid?" Shinji accused. "I was in the world of the living for like a hundred years. I know what CPR is, and Ichigo was still breathing. Gee, what were you guys trying to do?"

Iba gave Ichigo a pointed look. "Why didn't you hold your breath?"

"That's kind of hard to do for two minutes," Ichigo shot back.

"I'm no longer proud of you,"

"Alright, so tell me- what's all of this about?" Shinji asked. "First, Rangiku gushes to me about Ichigo hitting on Byakuya, and now this happens? Did Mayuri drug him?"

"What?"

Hisagi sighed and looked to Iba for permission, who nodded. Kira put in the tape.

* * *

After it was over, Shinji stared at it with a blank expression for awhile.

"Um, so to win the cookie ourselves, we're just having Ichigo mess with the contest,"

Shinji gave Iba a heavy look. "So that's why you tried to get me to inadvertently kiss Ichigo,"

Ichigo blushed angrily from the corner he'd been pouting in.

The SMA nodded in unison.

"So..." Shinji put a finger on his chin in contemplation. "If that's the case, then what was the point of doing this where the SWA couldn't even see it?"

The SMA sweat-dropped in unison.

"Stupid things like this has made me decide something," The captain stood up and brushed off his haori.

Iba got all up in his face, looking like an excited puppy. "What is it, Hirako-taicho?"

"I'm going to join the Shinigami Men's Association,"

The men in the room stayed frozen as they stared at the grinning captain.

"What,"

* * *

**Alright, was chapter two any better? (I hope it was..) **

**Review please! Everyone loves reviews!**

**Oh and one more think (If you're still reading this note) If you like Bleach stories more on the action/ I guess kind of on the serious side... I have another fic if you'd like to read it. The Soul Embodiment Arc. But I wouldn't suggest reading it if you haven't gotten to at least chapter 480 of the manga or haven't finished the anime. It's all set _after _the Fullbring arc.**

**Okay, you're probably bored with me by now. Have a great week everyone!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for the reviews! They were so nice :D**

**Hopefully this chapter will have the same effect, lol. I was kind of out of it while writing because I'm still recovering from a three day lake trip with some friends (oh gosh, **_**the sunburns...**_**)**

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned half the characters in Bleach, but I do not, because Tite Kubo owns them all.**

* * *

The nature of the SMA drastically changed after that fateful afternoon: Shinji's initiation.

It wasn't that the new groupie made all the changes himself; in fact, he would just sit there in boredom every meeting, hardly saying a word and sighing more than a normal person should. But the fact that a _captain_ was there made a few members act more... impressive.

"Men, men," Iba clapped his hands to get everyone's attention, which was quite hard since most of them were totally wasted. "I have an important announcement to make," He paused for the effect.

"What is it?" Ichigo, one of the few sober guys in the room, asked, annoyed.

"So I learned this new magic trick and I just wanted Hirako-taicho to see it; trust me, it's super cool," He held up a newspaper and a carton of milk.

Iba was extremely disappointed to see that Shinji's expression never changed throughout the whole demonstration.

"I can do that with a tissue," Iemura offered, but as per usual, his existence was totally ignored.

"Iba, I hate to rain on your parade," Ichigo started. "But we haven't done anything in two days,"

"Ichigo, patience. All good things happen in time,"

"Like what?"

"Kira, chart please," Iba changed the subject.

Kira limped over and handed his president the clipboard. Ichigo noted that a drunk Kira looked exactly the same as a sober Kira, minus the fact that he took smaller steps now.

Shinji perked up. "Is something actually happening?"

Iba scanned the list, muttering to himself, until his eyes landed on something at the top that he had passed over like, four times. And he wasn't even drunk (though he did drink his fair share of sake... it could be possible that the president was literally incapable of getting wasted).

"Ah, okay. I've already thought this one out," He flipped the clipboard over so Ichigo could read the name Iba was pointing to.

Ichigo face-palmed. "Ishida? Are you kidding me?"

"Uh, no,"

Hisagi kinda dragged himself over to the three of them. "Did I just hear someone say Rangiku?"

The only response he got was three identical blank stares, so he decided it was better for him to just lay in agony in some dark corner.

Ichigo went back to the previous subject. "That doesn't even make sense. Ishida's not in the Soul Society,"

"That, my friend, is what makes it even better," Iba placed an arm around Ichigo's broad shoulders, which he immediately shrugged off. Iba covered up the act by stretching. "If the SWA see you leaving to the world of the living, they're going to get suspicious,"

"Why? I live there,"

"That's not the point. The real point is that they will follow you, because two of their candidates are humans, and one often disappears to the world of the living,"

Ichigo nodded in unfortunate understanding. "So you want to get all three of them over with then?"

"Absolutely not!" He put his hands up in the air in exasperation. "It will be more exciting if we go in three separate trips!"

"Okay, but you could've said that all in a normal volume and you still would've gotten the same message ac-"

Iba covered the teen's mouth. "Quiet, Ichigo. You'll disturb the wasted,"

Shinji finally contributed to the conversation. "Is there a reason you've decided to have Ichigo only confess to guys so far?"

Ichigo agreed. "Yeah, there were more girls than guys on that list,"

Iba sweat-dropped. "Oh... I thought I was doing you a favor..."

Ichigo stared at him.

"Oops,"

"Whatever," He grumbled. "Let's just go while those idiots recover,"

"Whoa! Hey!" Ikkaku yelled. "Who says I'm bald? I'LL FIGHT YA," He pulled out his zanpakuto and weakly waved it around in a circle.

Surprisingly, Ichigo hadn't come across many drunks in his seventeen years of life, or at least _friends_ that were drunk, so he was confused by what Ikkaku was doing. "Um, is he supposed to be hallucinating?"

Iba waved it off and pushed Ichigo out the door. "No, no, that's just Ikkaku. Don't forget to take off your shades when outside the meeting room,"

Ichigo had almost forgotten about the lame glasses he had to wear, so when he took them off, the sunlight practically blinded him.

Shinji kept his on, but of course, Iba said nothing. (And Iba kept his on too; now Ichigo just felt really stupid).

* * *

Somehow, they made it to the senkaimon without any interruptions, and the trip was easy from there. Now they crouched behind a brink wall nearby the rec center, where they could see Ishida Uryu inside, bent over something.

Shinji looked closer. "Is he... sewing?"

"Hey, it's a school break; he can do whatever he wants," Ichigo rolled his eyes, wondering why he was defending the Quincy.

Something rough and hard was placed in Ichigo's hand. He looked down to see a large red brick. "What the..."

"It's simple, Ichigo," Iba said, grabbing his brick-hand to demonstrate. "You just take your arm back like this- loosen up a little- pull back, and then throw it. Don't forget to release the brick when you throw, though, because then it-"

Ichigo pulled away. "I know how to freaking throw a brick!"

"Oh, really?" Shinji questioned. "Have you ever thrown a brick before?"

"... No, but-"

"Then how do you know if you know how to throw a brick?"

Frustrated, Ichigo stood and walked over to the window, Shinji snickering behind his hand. Not worried about being seen, since he was still in soul-form, he threw the brick and watched it sail through the large window.

Many screams arose from the room, but only one reaction was being watched. The dark haired boy simply pushed up his glasses and left the room.

"WHERE DID HE JUST LEAVE TO?" Iba cried. He started mumbling about how the plan was ruined, and how Ichigo could _not _properly throw a brick, thus messing up everything he worked so hard to achieve.

"Kurosaki, what do you think you're doing?" Ishida yelled while storming over to the shinigami.

"Oh, hey Ishida," Ichigo greeted.

"You just interrupted my sewing class,"

"Oh yeah, about that..." Ichigo rubbed the back of his neck. "What are you doing in a sewing class?"

"Sewing, obviously," He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Did you lose brain cells in the past few days, Kurosaki, or were you already that airheaded?"

"Burn..." Iba muttered to Shinji.

The two hot-headed classmates started to bicker. Iba listened intently, but he could hardly follow all the insults between the two. He was honestly surprised to hear all the nasty words Ichigo knew.

"Iba, I think I'm going to leave," Shinji stated. "This whole thing is turning out worse than I thought it would, and that is really saying something,"

Iba gave him the puppy dog eyes, but Shinji didn't care enough to even blink before stepping into the senkaimon. It might've been because the puppy dog eyes were completely useless if you were wearing sunglasses. The president quickly whipped back around. "Guys, compliment each other already!"

They both paused and glared at Iba with their fists still in the air and steam still leaving their ears. "Why would we do that?"

Ishida composed himself once again, taking a big breath. "I don't know who you are, shinigami, but I don't like you,"

"W... what?"

"Don't worry," Ichigo reassured the fukutaicho. "He says that to every shinigami he meets,"

"Really?"

"Well, at least me. The rest he says in his mind, I think. Unless it's just me..."

"Well," Ishida interrupted. "I hope you do mind, but I have a class to get back to. I'm wasting well-spent money by standing here arguing with an animal,"

"Alright, see ya," Ichigo said, but Ishida was long gone. "Man..."

Iba wiped a tear away. "Ichigo, you have mean friends,"

"..."

* * *

On the way back to the SMA's current secret meeting room (aka Hisagi's apartment), the two came across Rukia.

"um, bye," And Iba strangely disappeared just like that.

Ichigo didn't stop to wonder why. "Hey, Rukia," He greeted with a slight wave. "What's up?"

She didn't wave back, but instead crossed her arms and walked faster to reach her orange-haired friend. "The real question is, what are _you _up to?"

Although he knew exactly what she was referring to, he decided to play the "clueless protag" card. "What are you talking about?"

"I heard you were harassing nii-sama the other day. And more specifically, _sexually _harassing nii-sama,"

Ichigo denied such things.

She narrowed her eyes further. "I'm sorry, Ichigo, but I do not approve,"

Exasperated, he said, "Okay, could you like point out at what part I did anything like that to Byakuya-"

Rukia's soul pager suddenly beeped. She flipped the Chappy phone open, and after quickly scanning over the message, she began walking away. "Stay away from nii-sama, fool!"

"Wait! Where are you going?"

"A meeting," She called over her shoulder before disappearing.

It could've been a captains and lieutenants meeting... but then again... Ichigo's thoughts were constantly revolving around the stupid bet now, and so his paranoia convinced him that Rukia was a part of the evil cult currently ruining his social life.

He decided to ask Renji about it later.

* * *

"YOU'RE A NATURAL, ICHIGO!"

"Huh?" Ichigo stared at the giddy middle-aged single man spinning around the room with a paper in his hands. Judging by his reaction, Ichigo was sure the paper couldn't have said anything good for himself.

Iba stopped and shoved the paper in his face. "Apparently the SWA thought that fight with Ishida was a lover's bicker,"

Ichigo focused his brown eyes on the picture of him an Ishida, yelling in each other's faces; unfortunately, they were practically nose to nose. Ichigo turned an odd shade of green and clutched his stomach. "Okay, this is just getting too nauseating. At this point, I'd just throw the cookie back up,"

Iba waved his hands in the air. "Nooo, Ichigo! That would be a waste of cooking genius!"

"Well, this is a waste of time!"

"At least don't eat the cookie then. The rest of us can eat it just fine!"

The other men in the room all groaned in consensus or controversy, it was hard to tell when they were all still so miserable.

"So, because you did so beautifully today, I'm going to reward you by letting Hirako-taicho choose your next opponent!"

"Opponent?" Shinji asked.

"How is that a reward?" Ichigo warily eyed Shinji, who grinned his freakishly toothy smile.

"Alright then," Shinji took the clipboard, scanning the list for a few minutes. Every once in awhile, he'd nod or get this malicious look on his face (which, by the way, looked terrifying with the amount of teeth he had), until finally, he returned the list to Iba's hands.

"So, who'll it be?" Iba was practically bouncing on the balls of his feet. Actually, that was more of a literal statement.

Shinji fixed Ichigo with a glare, making the boy gulp in fear. "I choose... Hiyori,"

* * *

**Review please- tell me what you thought! And about confession suggestions, they're always fun and helpful and could possibly be used in the future...**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here you go, peoples: Chapter 4.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, but I don't really care because I can still dream about it like it's my own baby.**

* * *

Hitting on Hiyori was going to be troublesome, and not because nobody could successfully flirt with her without going MIA or ending up in a hospital (actually, that was problematic). No, it was troublesome because at this perfect time, the pig-tailed sadist decided to go missing.

"Hmm," Shinji scratched his head. "I could've sworn I saw her a few days ago... then again, I beat her in poker, and now she owes me forty bucks she doesn't have,"

"You think she'd go missing because she owes you money?" Ichigo asked.

"No, but she would if she thought it'd make me forget about the money. Which I _won't_,"

"Stingy much?"

"A man's gotta pay his bills, Ichigo," Shinji sighed.

"What bills?"

Hisagi burst in on the scene, totally out of breath. "GUYS," He grabbed the wall for support. "I just learned some breaking news,"

"Okay, what is it?" Ichigo asked.

"Heh... heh... hehhhh... _heh,"_

Everyone kind of just stared at Hisagi, who finally decided to speak. He looked around. "Oh, right now? Shouldn't I wait until the president gets back?"

Iba had mysteriously disappeared after the encounter earlier with the poster, still clutching it to his heart, giddiness flowing out in an unhealthy and quite unattractive way.

Shinji shook his head. "I outrank him; I say give it now and never tell Iba,"

"Why not?" Hisagi was way too loyal to people he shouldn't actually listen to.

"Actually, I second that," Ichigo piped up.

"Whatever," Hisagi shook his head, excited again. "So I found out that the SWA are having _catfights_ over this whole thing,"

"And how did you find that out, eh, Hisagi?" Shinji brought up.

His facial tattoos didn't really cover his deep red blush. "Um, you guys invaded my apartment, so my temporary hang out is that box in the SWA's meeting room,"

"How big is the box?" Ichigo wondered aloud. _I mean, the apartment isn't all that big, so maybe Hisagi's used to tight places..._

"... big..."

"How big?"

"... Quite big,"

"You know, that's really creepy," The teen deadpanned. Then he remembered the fact that Hisagi had a "secret" crush on Rangiku, so he figured he shouldn't be surprised. _And yet another person you really shouldn't be so loyal to..._

"Yeah... I realized."

Shinji stared at Hisagi. "Why is that breaking news? I expected something useful,"

"HIRAKOOOO!" Ikkaku suddenly joined the group, seemingly re-energized and over-excited (of course, his new method of sobering up was by drinking your body weight in coffee, so..) "We've never had women catfight over us,"

"You still haven't; they're fighting over Ichigo,"

Ikkaku glared at Ichigo, who took a few preparatory steps back. He held up his hands defensively. "Hey, man, I never said I wanted this to happen in the first place,"

"Why Ichigo?" Ikkaku whined to Shinji, as if he had all the answers. "Ichigo's waaay to young for these ladies anyway. Plus," He reduced his voice to a really loud whisper, eyeing the teen. "I think he dyes his hair to get more attention,"

"For the last time, THIS IS NATURAL,"

"Oh, yeah?" The bald one accused. "How does that even happen when your dad had black hair and your mom is a brunette? It's like they gave birth to a clementine," He pouted. "I really sour, misshapen clementine,"

Kira stepped in before Ichigo could do something he might regret later on. For what it's worth though, Ichigo probably wouldn't have regretted it. His hair was a touchy subject.

Shinji suddenly flipped out his phone, having received a text. After reading it, he looked vaguely annoyed, and immediately started rapidly texting back. All the men (mostly Hisagi) became interested and tried to get a look at what the captain was writing.

"Hey, Hirako-taicho, who was that?" Hisagi asked, trying not to sound interested in any way at all but failing miserably.

The blonde pulled the phone closer to himself, away from prying eyes. "Hiyori," He stated simply, monotone.

Ichigo suddenly felt his gut hurt, probably giving him a preview for what was to come later. "What does she want?"

"To murder you using a large stick she just found,"

He sweat-dropped. "You told her?"

Shinji grinned and shook his head. "No, I'm just giving you a preview for what's to come later,"

"That's what I was just thinking..." The ginger muttered.

"No, but really, she just found this large stick and she was asking me if she could test it on me," Shinji continued. "So I said 'No, but Ichigo gladly volunteers',"

"What,"

Ikkaku grinned. "I like that idea," It was probably just his squad eleven nature, but he began to finger the hilt of his zanpakuto.

The door burst open, and a strange sight tripped in, slamming it shut behind him. It was Iba, but he was covered in feathers and rainbow stickers, so it was hard to tell at first.

"Uh... Iba-kaichou...?"

His head whipped around, and they shrunk back at the wild look in his eyes. They noticed that his glasses were cracked and like a third of his tiny little mustache was missing.

"President... what happened?" Omaeda asked.

He bared his teeth, which looked like fangs, he was so mad. "I'll tell you what happened; the SWA happened!" He stomped over to the others, who shrunk back as a group even further. Hisagi was holding onto Shinji, who glared at him through his peripheral vision.

"NO MORE SHALL WE TRAVEL ALONE, MY FELLOW SMA," Iba spoke in his speech-voice, which was way too loud for such a small room. "The SWA are like a pack of wild coyotes. They never attack a group.. but the whole lot of them will viciously..." He made exaggerated clawing and teeth-gnashing motions. "-_rip_ a single man apart,"

It was silent for a moment, until Hisagi asked, "So... what you're saying is... we need to get girlfriends,"

"What? NO. I mean, yes, but NO-"

"I CALL RANGIKU," Hisagi grabbed Ichigo's hands and began spinning around in circles, giggling like a five-year-old girl on her birthday.

"Noo, you like, totally misinterpreted what I said-"

"Hold on, Hisagi-san," Kira spoke up, eyeing the other lieutenant with a face completely devoid of expression. "What if _I _call Matsumoto-san?"

Hisagi froze, still holding the hands of a very annoyed Ichigo. He narrowed his eyes at the somber blonde. "No. You can't do that. Once dibs are called, there's no going back,"

"Unless," Shinji pointed out helpfully. "Those dibs are challenged. Then you must duel to the death,"

"Who came up with that rule?" Ichigo asked.

"Me. Just now," Shinji said. He looked to Iba for approval since, technically, he was the president. He nodded enthusiastically.

"Who says we, the SMA, cannot have catfights of our own?" Iba cried dramatically, staring up into the heavens.

"Oh, you knew about that?" Ichigo was surprised. He had only just learned himself from Hisagi.

"I started them," Iba winked, thumbs up. "But then..." His shoulders sagged. "... things kind of went downhill..." He gestured to his appearance.

"Alright, let's get this over with," Shinji said, not looking eager at all about the cheap entertainment he just set up. Ichigo stepped back in shock when he saw that both Hisagi and Kira had their zanpakutos drawn.

"Reap, _Kazeshini!" _Hisagi's katana transformed into twin reaper blades, connected by an inky black chain.

Kira took his stance, calling gloomily, "Raise your head, _Wabisuke," _Suddenly, he was holding an oddly shaped, somewhat hook-like zanpakuto.

Ichigo stood there, ogling at the sight of two men that hated violence to just up and fight over someone like Matsumoto. In fact, Kira showed so little emotion, that it was hard to believe he had any feelings for the bubbly woman.

Shinji pulled Ichigo out of the room, cell phone still in hand. "She's at my division right now. Be prepared; she said she's feeling very violent today," The captain smirked.

Ichigo gulped. At least he'd be away from the shrieks and explosions currently emanating from Hisagi's apartment.

Then again, it was probably safer than the territory he was now being dragged into.

* * *

"_BALDY!_"

Ichigo hadn't stepped three feet into the fifth division's quarters when a shrill, somewhat feral war-cry came from the clouds above. He only had time to shriek himself when the pig-tailed beast came flying at him with a stick much larger than he had imagined in her hands, aimed straight at Ichigo's skull.

Shiji watched in amusement at the sight of Ichigo cowering in fear as Hiyori whacked him as hard as she could several times all over his body. _This is better than any movie- and it's free! _He decided to offer Ichigo the position of "full time stick-victim". Actually, that just sounded weird...

"Hirako!" Ichigo cried from the depths of turbulence. "How long does she usually take?"

He felt it best to over-exaggerate. "Couple hours," And then he walked away, contemplating all the convincing names he could give Ichigo for the job offer.

"Wait!" The beat-up teen called, reaching out for the long-gone taicho."I don't think it's going to wo-" He suddenly stopped midsentence, looking downwards at the weapon between his legs. It was delayed, but imagine all the beatings Ichigo had just received (or maybe all that he'd received in his whole life), all combined into one blow- yeah, that was the pain factor.

Hiyori hefted the stick longer than her own body and thicker than her neck onto her shoulder as if it weighed no more than a sandwich. "Thanks, Ichigo,"

He could only choke out a groan in response.

"Later,"

Wait, he couldn't pass up this chance. No way was he getting beat up again later just to pretend-flirt with the devil. "W... wait," His voice sounded like a wheezing Hollow's, but it was enough to get her to turn around.

She glared at him. "What? We're done here- the stick's great!" She patted it in admiration.

Ichigo coughed, trying to catch his breath and talk normally. The latter didn't work so well. "Hiyori... would you.." It was at that moment that Ichigo realized no one had given him any lines, or any plan at all. _Curse Shinji and his retard bangs..._

"Uhm,"

Hiyori rolled her eyes. "I didn't hit you hard enough to give you brain damage. What do you want already?"

Lowering his head to hide his blush, he called out the first thing that popped into his dysfunctional mind. "Would you like a hug?"

Oh man, that was probably the stupidest thing he could've said. Who even says that anyway?!

She seemed confused at first, but then his words registered in her brain, and seemingly the only insult she knew overloaded her mind. "PERVERT! SUKEBE! HENTAI!" With each new word that all meant exactly the same thing, she hit him with triple the force she'd used before.

All the while, Ichigo could only regret two things: what he'd said, and the fact that he was not in bankai right now.

Who knew Hiyori's thwacks to the spinal chord could make one literally incapable of using their spirit energy to defend themselves?

* * *

All the while, Shinji sat on a nearby rooftop. He'd gone so low as to pop popcorn and bring a lawn chair to watch the show unfold. At this point, Ichigo was now somewhat of a purple-greenish color and had lost consciousness hours ago. But for Shinji, the show was just getting started.

He suddenly had a thought. "I've got it!" He snapped. "Deputy Commander Chief Stick-Thwack-ee,"

Yup, that was it.

* * *

**Wanna try and guess who the next victim is? This chapter definitely foreshadows it.. ;P**


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay, after reading it over, I guess the foreshadowing was so un-obvious, it wasn't really foreshadowing. So to all of you who guessed Rangiku (which was everyone who guessed), I'm sorry :| Next time it won't be so misleading, haha (hopefully).**

**Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN BLEACH OR ANY OF THE REFERENCES.**

* * *

Sometime in the next few hours (or days... it's all up to perception), Ichigo woke up on a hospital bed. He was confused at first, but then he had a flashback of the devil in a track suit repeatedly spanking him with his pitch-fork. Seemed accurate enough.

The ginger tried to sit up, but he was so bruised that even shifting an inch caused his prune-like body to convulse. "Ugh... what did I get myself into?"

It all had to do with the bet. That much he could remember. And apparently, that giant cookie was worth more than his own young, still innocent life.

Oh well.

Suddenly the door opened, and in walked Unohana Retsu, with a pleasant, totally _not _concerned look on her face. "Kurosaki-san," She greeted. "How are you feeling?"

He looked at his hands for some reason. "Uh... fine," Lying was getting easier.

"That's good to hear. I'm just going to apply another quick healing kido. Hiyori-san was quite energetic yesterday,"

Ah, so that's how long it had been.

"Any idea why?"

Ichigo paled. "... Nooope,"

It was hard to tell with Unohana, but she seemed satisfied with his response.

While she healed him, Ichigo noticed that the room was illuminated in a reddish glow. During one of his "Love Master Cram Schools", Iba had taught Ichigo that red was the color of passion and romance. _Gross, why am I thinking these thoughts...around Unohana...?_

He glanced at the captain, an idea forming in his head. _The sooner, the better..._

"Um, Unohana-san,"

She didn't look up from her work. "What is it, Kurosaki-san?"

Ichigo was glad the red light hid his blush. He hoped as this whole confession thing went along, he'd be able to hide his embarrassment better. He gulped. "Unohana... I'm looking for someone to make me feel _whole_,"

She raised an eyebrow, but still did not look up at him.

Ichigo tried not to stutter. "Because I'm feelin' a little... _hollow _inside,"

He was proud of himself for that one.

Unohana's expression did not change, which totally ticked off Ichigo for wasting a perfectly good pick-up line. "Kurosaki-san, I would appreciate it if you would just rest now,"

"Oh, no, you're healing is great. I feel f-"

_"I would appreciate it if you would just rest now,"_

Ichigo shrunk back at the smile- the one that made the seemingly harmless woman the scariest person in the Gotei-13.

"Y- yes, ma'am,"

Things were awkward after that, and because Unohana thought that pick-up line was so lame, she decided to leave. At the door, she said, "If you need help, I'm sure Kyoraku-san could help you,"

As Ichigo lay on his bed in agony of rejection and the unfinished healing process, he remembered that red was also the color of violence and evil.

Smooth, man. Real smooth.

* * *

The president and his subordinate were currently engaged in a heated battle.

"You suck!"

"You double suck!"

"You suck times eight thousand!"

"You suck times infinity!"

There was a collective "oooh," in the room from the other men, strangely sounding quite feminine. Someone muttered, "We have a winner..."

Iba narrowed his eyes, trying to think of a good comeback before he could be defeated by the treacherous words of Ikkaku (but that line was totally cheating... unless Iba himself said it, then it'd be fine. He is the president after all).

Suddenly, the president had a brilliant idea so bright that they could've sworn a literal lightbulb lit above his head. Iba glared at Hisagi, who held a lightbulb above his kaicho's face. Sheepishly, he threw it against the wall and drifted back into the shadows where he could rethink his life.

Iba prepared to speak his words of destruction. In a low, husky voice, he countered, "You suck times... _double infinity,"_

Ikkaku fell backwards, clutching his heart. "You cheater! That's cheating!" He cried in the agony of sucking forever, and not just forever. _Double _forever.

Iba would do anything to maintain his position of doing whatever he wanted. It was his one chance since, outside of the SMA, his captain kinda ran everything himself. He grinned and turned to Ichigo to get more praise, but his jaw dropped when he saw Shinji as his right side instead of the temperamental ginger.

"Hirako-taicho?! Where's my new BFFL?"

Shinji scratched his head and looked at the ceiling. "Remind me again of this unfamiliar term..."

That just boosted Iba's confidence level by over 9,000. "Best friend for life, taicho!"

"Ah, I'm sure Ichigo wouldn't like that,"

"What,"

"Anyhoo," Shinji took no notice of Iba's hurt, which was probably mostly fake, to win more points. "Ichigo's still in the fourth division's barracks,"

Ikkaku decided to join the conversation. "Alright! Whenever a man gets hurt, he only becomes stronger when he heals!" The bald man fist-pumped the air, probably thinking of future rematches he would lose.

"You guys missed out on the fun last night," The captain continued. "Of course, it'll probably be all over the Seireitei Bulletin at the rate these ladies are going,"

Today's Bulletin had featured Ichigo's picture on the cover page, headline reading "**Seireitei's Newest Love Charmer- Is Our Shinigami-daikou Finally Living Up to His True Potential?**" The whole SMA had read it together- seven times, to be precise.

Iba was immediately thrown out of his pouting phase, inching closer to the blonde. "What happened? Was it a success?" If it somehow was, Iba Tetsuzaemon would shave his mustache.

Shinji burst out in laughter. "For me, it was!"

Then again, after the catfights the day before, Iba barely had any visible lip hair to begin with.

Hisagi and Kira (who, by the way, made up after their fight with Rangiku when Ikkaku introduced a new brand of sake) gathered round after hearing Shinji's obnoxious laughter. Hisagi muttered to Iba, "What has happened, president?"

He muttered back, "That's what I'd like to know... goshdangit, I deserve to know! I'm the president! I OUTRANK HIM HERE," That last part was a little loud, and everyone heard except the one being talked about, for he was too busy trying not to pee his pants.

Shinji wiped the tears from his eyes and held his aching side. "Whew. Best workout I've gotten in days,"

Hisagi started bouncing up and down in front of Shinji, hands clasped together. "Tell me a story, taicho," He resembled a sad puppy.

"Well, alright,"

Hisagi barked in excitement.

"Once upon a time, Ichigo tried to be a womanizer, but he failed so badly that he got beat to a pulp by Hiyori. I watched the whole thing, and by the time Isane came, Ichigo was out cold and the color of Mashiro's hair. Blah blah blah, bla bla bla blah blah blah..."

As Shinji continued his story to his few interested listeners, Iba and Kira consulted in the corner.

"Kira, I'm gonna need your help with something,"

Kira was glad to help anybody, even someone like the murderous-looking Iba. Ever since his beautiful glasses were broken, Iba had resorted to using Ichigo's, but they were much less stylish than his old ones. This had put Iba on edge.

"Don't tell Hirako-taicho, but I think he's a pile of cowpies. I want him out of the SMA,"

"But, why, president? I thought you enjoyed sucking up to him?"

"Yes, well, so does everyone else! No one sucks up to me anymore!" Iba hung his head. "I miss being idolized,"

Kira still enjoyed being a buttkisser. "What should I do then?"

Iba had already thought this through. For like 30 seconds. "Okay, here's the plan..."

* * *

Ichigo slowly limped back to Hisagi's apartment, mostly because he was so depressed. The one time he wasn't assigned to flirt with someone and he thought up an idea all on his own, he was a major failure. It was embarrassing to be him right now.

_Wait a second... _Ichigo stopped in his tracks and started hitting the air in front of him. _AGH! This stupid bet is getting to my head! What do I care anyway if Unohana turned me down! Nobody can flirt with that woman, not even Kyoraku! _But really, how much success did Kyoraku really have that he didn't just make up while high?

A red pinapple suddenly bobbed past on the other side of the street, whistling as it walked. Ichigo raised his eyebrows. "Am I hallucinating... Oh wait, that's just Renji," He waved over to the taller man. "Oi, Renji!"

One glance was all it took, and suddenly Renji was speed-walking away, sweating pouring out of his eyebrow tattoos in terror.

Annoyed, Ichigo shunpo-ed over to his fellow red-head (although Ichigo was fairly certain Renji's really wasn't natural).

"Gah," Renji stepped back, hands in front of himself in defense. He stopped, then wiped his soaking forehead. "Oh... h- hey... Ichigo..."

"What's wrong with your face, man?"

"M.. my face?" It was red, sweaty, and twitchy.

"Yes,"

Renji looked away, scared to death of the hybrid boy (the hybrid has nothing to do with Renji's fear- after all, it was just fanservice, he supposed). "This is my normal face,"

Ichigo looked so determined, but about what? "Whatever. Can I ask you something, Renji?"

NO. "S- sure. Go ahead..."

"Would you-"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Renji broke down right there, eyes closed, ears covered, his head shaking back and forth like 40 miles per hour. "I'M SORRY ICHIGO BUT I CAN'T! I HAVE FEELINGS FOR WOMEN!" Well, now the whole Soul Society knew which way Renji swung (swang? swing-ed?).

Ichigo blinked. "Uh, good to know. So anyway, as I was saying, would you say I'm hot?"

Now it was Renji's turn to blink. _Well, that's not what I was expecting... _"Um, like, man to man?"

The ginger waved his hand in agitation. "Yeah, yeah,"

Okay, there was definitely something wrong with Ichigo's head. _First he flirts with my captain, then he wonders if he's attractive? I didn't even know Ichigo understood these concepts. _"Uh, yeah, sure,"

Ichigo gave the air a congratulatory fist pump. "Yesssssssssssssss," He turned and left, waving behind himself. "Thanks, Renji!"

Renji just stared after him for a moment, then ran to catch up. "Oi, Ichigo? What was all that about?"

Ichigo turned. "What was what about?"

Pinapple-man suddenly felt really awkward and toed the dirt on the ground. "Um... like, you know... um... Kuchiki-taicho... like, um, you and him... uhhh, you..." Renji was twitching now.

"Uh..." Ichigo stepped forward. "Are you okay,"

Renji was foaming at the mouth.

Ichigo seriously did not know what to do, but then he remembered a question he was supposed to ask. "Hey, is Rukia in the Shinigami Women's Association?"

Renji immediately perked up, grabbing the front of Ichigo's shihakusho, extremely interested. "What about Rukia?"

Ichigo went cross-eyed, trying to get his face more than a few centimeters away from Renji's. The red-head had plunged deep into stalker-mode.

"Um, I was just wondering if you knew if she was in the SWA," Maybe he should've asked someone else.

Renji nodded. "Yes, she joined on September 8th 4 years ago she goes to every meeting she can she has brilliant ideas and she should be the president and-"

"Whoa, whoa, Renji," Ichigo broke free of his super tight grip. "The nod was confirmation enough," He straightened the front of his robe. "Man, what's gotten into you?"

Renji spluttered. "ME? WHAT ABOUT YOU?!"

He whipped around. "EH?!"

Renji pointed an accusatory finger at the younger man. "Yeah, you! Coming to the Seireitei just to flirt with the whole Gotei-13!"

"WHAT?"

"Yeah, that's right, Ichigo! I read that article!"

"WHAT ARTICLE"

Renji smirked. "Finally cracked, didn't ya?"

Ichigo balled his fists. "I'm a freakin teenager! THEY SAID THIS WAS NORMAL,"

Renji blinked. "They?"

Crap. Nanao's voice resonated in Ichigo's mind. '_Remember, no one, and I mean _no one, _can find out about this...' _"Uhm... the voices in my head... er, Zangetsu and Hichigo,"

"Oh. Okay," Renji waved. "See ya later,"

_I can't believe he bought that. _Oh well. At least he was saved.

For now.

* * *

**So, yes, there were three references in this chapter, although the third one isn't really that much of a reference. If you know what I'm talking about, I was laughing so hard at that adorable Tamaki moment. (and I just gave away the reference...) **

**Kudos to you if you can get the other two.**

**Wish me luck! I'm starting my sophomore year tomorrow, and I'm, unfortunately, sick :( Hopefully a good night's rest and a lot of prayers will help!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Okay, to demonstrate how much I do not enjoy English homework, I'm going to be your temporary English teacher.**

** "Alright, beautiful students, today as you read, I want you to annotate everything in orange highlighter-yes, orange highlighter and nothing else or I'll mark points off-and look for 8 examples of figurative language. Please write a three paragraph essay for each of these literary devices and explain to me how figurative language is vital for making a story colorful. Have a great four day weekend and I expect to see all eight of those essays come Wednesday! Unicorns!"**

**Yes. English class.**

**Disclaimer: I'm so glad Tite Kubo wrote Bleach because if he didn't, then it wouldn't exist. Merry Christmas.**

* * *

After the fifth hour of Cram School, Ichigo thought about just going home. His business in the Soul Society was getting exhausting. "Oi, Iba," He grumbled, his head resting in his hand. "I thought I was on a school break,"

"Yeah," He agreed.

Ichigo stared at the fukutaicho.

Iba stared back.

The rest of the present SMA stared at the two men.

Finally, Ichigo broke the silence. "... You don't get it?"

Iba laughed, holding his stomach. "Ho ho ho, apprentice. You are a funny one,"

"You don't even know what I'm referring to, do you?" He deadpanned.

Iba gave him the creepiest, most awkward smile ever.

Suddenly, Ichigo flipped the desk (which sounds hard, but this thing was probably meant for a kindergarten class- it was all Kira could salvage). Iba ducked and, unfortunately, the desk hit Hisagi square in the face.

Ichigo didn't bother apologizing. "IT MEANS I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN SCHOOL!"

Just to exponentially increase Ichigo's anger and annoyance, Iba laughed again, belly somehow jiggling with each sound. "Silly boy. This is _cram _school,"

Ichigo left.

Iba framed his chin with two fingers. "Hmm..."

After like thirty seconds, Kira said, "Kira-fukutaicho, reporting for duty, Iba-san," He saluted slowly and rather enthusiastically.

"Ahh, Izuru, my pal!" Iba gave him the thumbs up.

"Um, yes... Iba-san. I have delivered the news to SasssyDreamBear69. It was a success,"

The president grinned. "Score. Good job, Izuru-chan. You get a promotion,"

Kira's eyes lit up. Well, metaphorically at least. "A promotion, kaicho?"

"You can clean _both _of my bathrooms today,"

"But... I don't clean any of your bathrooms..." He mumbled incredulously.

"Hey, wait a minute," Hisagi sat up from where he had fallen down with emo thoughts for the past few minutes. "I thought that was my job,"

Iba rolled his eyes. "That's why it's called a promotion. Duh,"

Hisagi pouted, but Iba was too busy thinking over his super awesome totally-gonna-be-a-success plan to get rid of Shinji. "Did you see how SasssyDreamBear69 reacted?"

Kira nodded, handing over his soul pager. It was one of the few sort of nice things he had, from his old captain. Supposedly, it was called an iPhone, something from the world of the living.

Iba didn't want to feel inferior, so he pulled out his souvenir from his captain: a Ladybug phone. "Mine's better," He clarified, gesturing to the spotted design on his phone.

Kira said nothing, just played the secret video he had taken.

From the other side of the room, Ikkaku listened to the audio. He heard silence at first, then yelling, screaming, cursing, and obliteration. Then the video ended, being less than a minute long. Ikkaku was just gonna ignore it, until Iba started cracking up.

The third seat flash-stepped over to the others. "What did I miss?" He growled. Iba's eyes resembled little waterfalls at this point.

Hisagi was staring at Kira's phone, still in shock of what he just saw.

Ikkaku grabbed Kira's shirtfront. "C'mon, Kira. Spill it already!"

"Uhm," He started uncomfortably. "I can't,"

"Why not?" The other whined.

"I am sworn to secrecy,"

Ikkaku snapped. "Dang it," He hated secrets because he was only involved in like .00013% of all the secrets flying around Seireitei. No one really trusted the eleventh division... He blamed television.

Iba sat up, wiping his face with the jacket of his modified shihakusho, which was now so wet with tears that it was heavy and limp. He threw it to the side. Maybe showing off his abs would make him more respected.

Well, actually, since there were three other buttkissers in the room, they each threw off their jackets as well (Ikkaku's was long gone. He had a habit of losing the top halves of his clothing).

"How do my abs look, men?"

Iba was extremely disappointed to see that Hisagi had a six pack as well. A more defined six pack, on top of that. "Hisagi, turn around," The president ordered.

"Uh, what,"

Iba couldn't bear to look inferior, so he kept twirling his finger until Hisagi slowly faced the other way. "Excellent!" He clapped his hands. "I feel it necessary to inform you all that Hirako-taicho will no longer be joining us in our meetings... or anything else that we do,"

Everyone look surprised, except Kira and Hisagi, but no one could tell (for different reasons, of course).

"Why's that?" Omaeda asked, since he hasn't had an appearance in so long.

"Oh, you know, he..." Iba brought a flashlight to his face. "_stepped out of line," _

Kira whispered, "Kaicho, you didn't turn the flashlight on,"

Iba glanced down at the unlit bulb. "Oh," Flicking the switch, he repeated in that raspy voice, "_..stepped out of line," _He got a bunch of sweatdrops in response. "Dun dun dunnnnnn,"

Ikkaku cleared his throat. "What did he... do?"

Iba snatched Kira's iPhone and opened up the texts. He pulled up a text sent just that morning and showed the group.

**Taicho, I am here to inform you that Hirako-taicho is currently in a very deep relationship with Mashiro-san. It is very much not platonic.**

The response said,

**OK :-)**

The SMA stared at Kira. "Wha...?"

Kira just stared at the ground, completely uncomfortable with this whole thing.

"My buddy here," Iba clapped Kira on the back forcefully. "Has earned my respect," He stared at the heavens. "It takes a real man to tell another real man of an unreal man's secret relationship. Everyone, a round of applause for Izuru-chan,"

There was only silence.

* * *

Ichigo had probably circled the Seireitei twice by now. It's weird; he couldn't get himself to go home, so he just decided to mindlessly wander the afterlife. He determined that he really didn't have a life.

Pun.

He chuckled at that one, earning him weird looks from passing shinigami.

The teen looked around, noticing Hitsugaya making his way down the street with a stack of papers. "Hey, Toushiro!"

The white-haired captain glanced at Ichigo for a moment, and, feeling obligated to be polite due to his rank as captain, returned the greeting. With a nod.

"Why are you so cold?" Ichigo wondered. _Heh. Pun counter: 2._

"I still don't appreciate you addressing me by my first name, Kurosaki," He replied icily.

"Oh, right. Whatever," Ichigo said, forgetting almost immediately after because he really did not care. "What's all that paper for?"

"I'm a captain. I do paperwork,"

"Oh,"

They walked in silence for a minute.

"Kurosaki," Hitsugaya said carefully. "Why are you following me?"

"Hmm?" Actually, why was he? Paperwork was boring. "I dunno. Hey, why do you have so much paperwork? That stack is like half your height,"

Hitsugaya twitched. The stack of paper was only half a foot tall. "Matsumoto's been disappearing,"

Ichigo broke out in sweat. _I should've known_...

Hitsugaya paused and turned, since Ichigo was a few feet behind, frozen. "Oi, Kurosaki. Is something wrong?"

He broke out of his trance. "Nothing, nothing... NOTHING," He brought his hands up seeing the captains straight face. "Actually, I have someone to go talk to," Lies. "Uhm, bye,"

The speed of the shunpo sent the stack of papers flying. Hitsugaya blinked. _I get the feeling, somehow... Matsumoto was involved in that... _He stared at the mess.

_ "MATSUMOTOOOO!"_

* * *

_"ICHIGOOOOO!"_

The boy had only just opened the door to Hisagi's apartment when a bundle of skin and shihakusho barreled at him. Caught off guard, Ichigo fell backwards while Iba did an expert somersault over his orange-haired "friend".

"Iba!" He growled. "Why is it that you think you always have to greet me in some physical way? Normal people just say 'hey',"

Iba sat up. "Hey. You know what, Ichigo? I don't like your attitude,"

"Cool,"

"How dare you do this? How dare you insult me, the Shinigami Men's association, the sunglasses-" Iba's lip was trembling as he held up the pair of sunglasses Ichigo had only worn once. "-How dare you insult _the list?_"

Ichigo was pretty confused by Iba's ranting, so he just stopped listening.

"Bluh bluh disappointment bluh cookie bluh bluh bluh respecting property bluh bluh my honor-"

"Taicho," Kira cut in. "Another text from Rangiku-san,"

Iba stopped with his mouth wide opened, pointing at Ichigo. "I'll be back, mister," He warned before walking over to the blonde fukutaicho.

He glanced at it. "Butterfingers! Oh my, Izu-chan," Iba handed the iPhone back to the cringing man. "This is not good,"

Ichigo became vaguely interested. "What's not good?"

The room remained silent, until Ikkaku rolled over. "Hirako's in the emergency care unit,"

"That isn't what we're talking about," Hisagi butt in. "Rangiku's gossiping to everyone that she has the number of,"

"She has my number," Ichigo said, noticing he had no text. A small hole grew in his heart.

Hisagi looked uncomfortable. "Um, she's gossiping about you,"

"So now," Iba got in Ichigo's face. "Because you didn't follow _the list_, Matsumoto told like, everyone that you have a thing for authoritative leaders,"

"What the what?"

"THE LIST, ICHIGO. Unohana and Hitsugaya were not next on the list!" Iba was stomping his feet. "Actually, Hitsugaya-taicho wasn't even on the list to begin with! Hold on," Iba turned and muttered to Kira, "Add Hitsugaya in there for me, would ya? Thanks, pal,"

Ichigo felt humiliated all over again. "How did Rangiku-san find out about that?" He totally did not want the whole Seireitei hearing that pick-up line.

Hisagi pulled out a chalkboard with a very poorly drawn web chart with the faces of various shinigami women. He pointed to Nanao. "Ise-fukutaicho is the president of the SWA. But," He pointed to Yachiru. "Kusajishi-fukutaicho seems to make all the rules. She's having every willing member of the SWA, which is like, all of them except Ise-fukutaicho, spy on you with cameras,"

Ichigo sweat-dropped. "What if they're spying on us right now?"

"See, this is your problem, Ichigo-kun," Iba pointed out, trying to sound over-familiar. "You lack confidence. You would get the girl, or the man, or the Kurotsuchi if you believed that you could,"

"But-"

"But you're not. Believe that you are attractive, my friend, and you _will _be super-hot. That is my philosophy, and it's like, totally worked for me all these years,"

The shinigami-daikou pushed Iba away. "The point of this isn't to get a date. This is for a cookie, remember?"

"Dates are always a plus, beautiful child,"

"OKAY," Ichigo forcefully stood up. "I'm leaving again. See you in another ten hours,"

"WAAAAIIIIITTTTTT!" Iba cried. "What about the list?!"

"I don't give a fudge about the list," And he slammed the door shut.

"THE NEXT CANDIDATE IS ZARAKI-TAICHO," Iba turned to his men. "Do you think he heard that?"

They all shrugged.

* * *

"Flip," Ichigo muttered. Yes, he heard Iba indeed.

Be killed or eat giant cookie? Hmm.

Decisions, decisions.

* * *

"So, like... are Hirako-taicho and Mashiro-san really a couple?" Hisagi asked. He hadn't seen it coming, especially since he was around Mashiro so much, constantly competing for their captain's attention. He could see her and Kensei being together, but... Shinji? Like, whoa. Where did that come from?

Iba started laughing. "Nope. But she helped participate in this operation. We owe her big time,"

The group had changed back into their normal attire and were prowling the streets of Seireitei. They decided to go to the ninth division to see the damage in person. Yes, that was completely normal.

Hisagi felt sick when he saw the mess, only because of all the paperwork he would have to do later.

"Shuuhei-kun!" A bubbly voice broke through the silence and a green head shunpo-ed over. Mashiro pulled on Hisagi's arm, almost making him tumble over into the pit of misery (a.k.a the giant crater in the ground a few feet away).

"Mashiro-san!" He played dumb. "What happened?"

Mashiro winked at Iba, who tried to wink back, but it looked more like a blink. "Did you enjoy getting SasssyDreamBear69's number? He freaked out about some text he received, so I assumed it was you,"

"Not me," Iba grinned.

"Uh," Ikkaku broke in. "Who is SasssyDreamBear69?"

Mashiro pounced on Ikkaku, who screeched. "It's a secret codename, baldy!" She started giggling while Ikkaku tried to murder her.

"Wait, why are there three s's in the middle of 'sassy'?" Iemura asked, and Mashiro, who didn't ignore anyone, decided to answer.

"Oh, SassyDreamBear69 was already taken online."

"By who?"

Mashiro shrugged. No one noticed Hisagi trying to melt into the shadows.

"Well, I just wanted to thank you for your help, Mashiro-san," Iba said cheerfully.

"No problemo!" She beamed after using a Mashiro Kick to knock Ikkaku out cold. "C'mon, Shuuhei-kun! Clean up this mess!"

The SMA left Hisagi alone to do all the work while Mashiro hummed and danced around.

And the sun shone and the birds chirped and Hisagi passed out from heat exhaustion.

* * *

**Ooh, who was this mysterious SasssyDreamBear69? I tried to make it pretty obvious, since I'm no good at being subtle, so...**

**Btw, the three references were Dragonball (over 9,000), Bleach lists (the pick-up line-yeah, I'm not ****creative), and Ouran High School Host Club (the puppy thing). I do not own any of these.**

**Questions, comments, complaints, suggestions- they're all appreciated! Just leave a review and I'll be a happy human being!**

**Happy Labor Day!**


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